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Tuesday, November 15, 2005

the couch lives?!

Win The Daily Show Couch

Jon, I'm...nay, we, are hurt. You let us think the Couch had died, and all this time you had the Couch. All this time worrying and putting ads on milk cartons and "Lost" signs on telephone poles around the country. Thousands of volunteers put hundreds of thousands of man-hours into organizing search parties and sending out Amber alerts, working with forensic scientists who had only a piece of stuffing to work with. They put their lives on hold to try and bring closure to this terrible ordeal. Jesus tapdancing Christ, we even enlisted the help of Ms. Cleo...and she doesn't come cheap. Sure the first five minutes are free, but she keeps you on the line for twenty or thirty, and it's like $9.36 a minute after that. Not to mention having to ask her to repeat herself a dozen times because of that goddamn accent.

There were people who spent hours and even days out in the harsh cold of the world asking, sometimes begging, for money on countless street corners around the country...and when they were walking to the nearest shelter and/or liquor store we mugged them, but that isn't the point. It was all to support the family of the Couch.

Dear God Jon, what about the Couch's family, did you ever think about them? What they must have gone through?! Can you imagine if someone told you that your father/brother/second cousin/next door neighbor/guy who lives upstairs and plays music too loud at 3am was dead and it wasn't true? Huh?! Think how your life would change. Think about how you'd feel if something so important to your life was suddenly gone. You'd be brokenhearted, crestfallen, dejected, depressed, despondent, disconsolate, not to mention heartbroken, melancholy, miserable, saddened, sorrowful, woebegone and maybe even wretched.

It's almost evil what you've done Mr. Stewart, criminal even. Taking away the shining beacon that represented all that was good and pure and just in this world and taking a big dump on it. To think that a man who millions of people let into their homes four nights a week could do something so deceitful and nefarious makes one wonder "Where have all the good men gone...?"

Shame on you Jon Stewart. Shame.

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night
He's gotta be strong
And he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light
He's gotta be sure
And it's gotta be soon
And he's gotta be larger than life

33 Comments:

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Blogger Ms. Mika said...

It's awesome to have you back! Excellent post! Just excellent!

2:18 PM  
Blogger Steaphanie! said...

Hmm...looks like spammers like your site...
meanwhile, do you know who won the beloved couch?

12:09 AM  
Blogger jds said...

I'm curious about the couch winner as well. Assuming it isn't me.
Sad. Hope whoever gets it loves it.

2:18 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo said...

Fools! That couch is a public resource, and can't be owned by a single person!

10:40 PM  
Blogger dave said...

Loved the post but turn on the word thing that will keep some of spam things out......

2:25 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo said...

O happy day! I shall be the last sentient being to set foot on this lonely corner of cyber space.

So... cold...

10:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Speaking of couch fun, here's good couch satire by Colbert guy Rob Bloom: http://www.robbloom.com/creative/couch.htm

2:06 PM  
Blogger Metapirate said...

Arrrrr!

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Blogger The Countess said...

I like this. Just the semi insincere ongoings that I needed. A small pick-me-up. Thanks.

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If only you knew how my day was going. I was searching for one thing and I ended up here. Now you see how that might affect me!

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Blogger News & Information said...

Glad your back!

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Blogger Kate said...

I'd give a kidney for it. Jon touched that baby.

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