the couch taken hostage: the website

Below is an exerpt taken from a website claiming to be in possession of the Couch. The following message contains explicit language depicting horrible acts. Parents, I would advise you to not let your children read this message. Please brace yourself.

Everyone loves the Couch, but unfortunately, the couch will DIE on (date withheld for security purposes) if you don't help.

I found the Couch several months ago behind a building in NY. The Couch looked pretty ragged, it must have been sitting outside for a week. It was wet, stained, ripped, and it looked like a hobo spilled all or most of his Mad Dog 20/20 on it. I took the Couch in, thinking there was no way to get it clean or remove the smell, but miraculously, the Couch recovered. I have since spent several months nursing the Couch back to health. The Couch is a fighter, that's for sure.

Unfortunately, on (date withheld for security purposes), the Couch will die. I am going to shred the Couch and use the remains for stuffing and kindling. I have several projects under consideration, which can be seen, with some pretty graphic images, under the (address withheld for security purposes) section.

I don’t want to shred the Couch, it is my friend, and he has always been the most comfortable piece of furniture you can imagine . However, with God as my witness, I will shred this big guy unless I receive $ (amount withheld for security purposes). Only you have the power to save the Couch. You can help this poor, helpless couch’s cause by sending a donation here (url withheld for security purposes) or by purchasing merchandise at the (address withheld for security purposes) online store.